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2008-09-05, 9:52 p.m.
I’ve binged and purged two times today.
All day…the only thing that has been on my mind is suicide.
Now I am home alone, N asked me if it was okay if we could go over to Eric’s house and play xbox.
I told him to go so I could deal with this myself and not lash out on him.
I have to deal with these emotions.
I binged and purged, it helped, I felt less suicidal but I’ve been crying since and I purged an hour ago.
I can’t stop crying.
A dear friend of mine sent me a song, it’s called schizophrenic conversations.
It’s such a beautiful song by my favorite band, Staind.
I had never heard the song until today.
It’s beautiful and it describes what I feel.
‘Schizophrenic conversations that
I'm always having with myself.
I hear these voices in my head competing.
Maybe I could use a little help
I still have schizophrenic conversations
Where there's no one else around to hear.
I long for solitude and peace within me
Void of all the anger and the fear.’
I hate myself.
I hate the demons in my head.
I hate them.
Once, I was free…it was when I was dead.
I was dead for five minutes and I remember being so calm, at peace…it was quiet and everything was white…I could hear N’s voice from far away call my name.
Why did I come back to life?
I’m miserable.
I am with the man I love but I can’t even speak to him without V interfering.
I can't look at him without seeing how sad he is.
How helpless and inadequate he feels.
I want to release him, free him from this prison I’ve put him in.
He can barely breathe.
I’m suffocating him with this illness.
He doesn’t know who I am, he never sees me.
I am never there.
Today, this moment, I am here.
And I am sad.
I can’t stop crying.
This is the real me.
The five year old girl that just wants her dad to take care of her, the little girl that is begging him not to hurt her, not to touch her.
I want to play with my little brother but he is all grown up.
I have no one.
No one in this world.
I am alone.
My sister is not a baby anymore…my sister doesn’t even love me.
She doesn’t care about me.
My brother has forgotten about me.
And my dad is the dad I never had.
I just want to die.
I want to die.
But I can’t.
Because I care about N….no matter what I do, I am hurting him.
He has no freedom.
I am always in the way.
I’m so needy.
I’m pathetic…this is pathetic.
I don’t want to be me, I want V to come save me but he is nowhere to be found right now.
And the demons are chanting, kill yourself, slit your wrists, swallow a bottle of tranquilizers and go take a bath.
It would be a peaceful death.
But I don’t want to.
I don’t want to.
I am alive only for N.
And I hate the fact that he loves me, why does he love me? What is there to love?
I’m disgusting.
God, why are you doing this to me?
Why do I hear voices? Why did my daddy hurt me? I loved him, I still love him.
Why, God?
Why am I unhappy? Why is this happening to me? Why are the demons chanting? Who is V? Why doesn’t he help me when I need him?
What should I do?
Give me a sign, tell me what is meant to happen, am I supposed to die tonight?
Should I call N? The voices say I will only bother him when he’s having a good time with his friend.
I don’t know what to do.
I don’t want to bother my mom, she already called me half an hour ago.
She could tell I had been crying.
I tried to hide it but she knew.
I couldn’t tell her how I really felt.
I can’t be honest to anyone but this diary.
Here I can hide behind words.
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