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2009-04-21, 7:50 p.m.
I don’t know where to start.
It’s been two terrible days.
Last night I became psychotic, I thought N was going to die, that I was going to die, that my life wasn’t real, that my life is actually someone else’s dream.
I cried for hours.
Took as many pills as possible, fell asleep.
Woke up this morning really angry and upset.
Started arguing with N about random shit.
I’ve smoked two cigarettes and I’ve purged.
I have no one else but myself to blame.
But it’s okay to make the wrong choices sometimes, right?
I’m angry at myself because N is going to be disappointed.
I don’t care about myself and what I think.
But I care about N.
I hope he doesn’t panic when he reads this.
He is sleeping on the couch right now.
He is going to read this eventually I know that, but I don’t feel like telling him myself.
Never mind.
I took my meds early tonight because I am going to see my MD early tomorrow morning.
I have a lot of problems I want to talk to her about concerning my health.
I want to have some tests done, I want to make sure that my liver and kidneys are okay.
And I want to check if I have diabetes.
I’ve gained a lot of weight and I eat sweets every day so type 2 diabetes is a possibility.
I also hear a strange sound in my left ear, I am afraid that I have tinnitus.
My mom and N have tried to get me to see a doctor for two months now but I’ve said no.
But Mona called my MD for me a week ago, thank god for that.
I also want to check my thyroid levels because I’ve gained a lot of weight in a short amount of time, and I am always hungry no matter how much I eat.
I just want to exclude medical problems.
Wish me luck.
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