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2009-04-25, 10:44 p.m.
I haven't hurt myself for so long.
It's been 7 months since I've cut or burnt myself.
It's an accomplishment.
Maybe it seems pathetic to you…but it’s important to me.
Hurting myself was the only thing on my mind my whole life.
Because it was the only way to make the voices shut up.
Now, I am much better, I don’t want to hurt myself.
I am happy to be alive and I am happy to be me.
It’s all because of N.
It’s so relieving that he is feeling better, he was so depressed at his old job.
We used to fight a lot too.
Now we don’t fight at all, when I feel that I am becoming psychotic or when I feel that V is trying to take over, I talk to N about it.
I tell him what I am going through and he listens.
He used to panic a few months ago and that led to endless fights and dramatic arguments.
I haven’t talked to anyone about this but I will now.
It’s strange, I saw my MD a couple of days ago and I hadn’t seen her for years.
She smiled when we talked and said ‘you seem so much better now than when I last saw you, how are you doing?’.
I explained that I suffer from schizophrenia and that I’m getting the right kind of help.
That my doctor is a specialist and that the clinic is only for patients who suffer from psychosis related illnesses.
She stopped smiling.
She gave me the look, the look my parents give me whenever I talk about the voices or my illness.
I hate that look.
I feel worthless when people look at me like that.
I hate it.
It makes me want to cry.
Why do people react that way when I tell them?
It hurts.
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