-
2009-05-03, 6:30 p.m.
I’m so tired.
Sick of this shit.
Mostly sick of myself and lack of self-control.
I say stupid things to N.
I am angry, and I don’t even know why…
Maybe it’s because of my sister.
She’s been e-mailing me sending really awful messages.
I just wish she could leave me alone.
She writes stuff like ‘you don’t care about mom, you just want to use her for money, you are a liar and a cheat, a horrible person HEHEHE’.
When have I ever asked my mom for money?
And she…my sister, has no right to talk about things like that because she treats mom like she’s made of money.
And when she doesn’t get money, she makes my mom’s life a living hell.
She cusses, shouts and spits at my mother for no reason.
I don’t know what to do to make her leave me alone.
I’ve blocked her e-mail address but I know she will find some other way to taunt me.
It’s like she wants me to fucking kill her.
I fucking feel like doing it to be honest.
N is miserable.
He hasn’t been taking his antidepressant for 3 days, I know it’s affecting him but he doesn’t want to admit it.
I can’t force him to take his pills.
But I don’t know what to do. He talked about suicide again today.
I am trying my best not to cry in front of him but it’s hard.
He has no pot either.
He has been smoking every day for almost a month now.
But he has no more now and it shows.
It fucking shows.
He has no patience, and I flip out.
Today he said ‘you don’t take care of me, you have never helped me with anything, you do nothing for me’.
I am doing things for him every day but he doesn’t see it!
He just doesn’t.
It hurts and I feel like slitting my throat.
Whenever I close my eyes I see myself cutting, I don’t know what to do.
I feel like everything my sister says it right.
Because N says almost the same things…
I don’t know.
I don’t know what to do.
I’m so angry right now.
And I’ve been begging N to come with me to see my psychiatrist for 4 weeks now.
Every week he has a new excuse.
This time it’s his friend Eric, he had promised him to help with something I don’t know what.
I just think he could have asked me first, that’s all.
I don’t know.
I feel so sad…
Now I’m crying I hope N doesn’t notice.
I don’t want to explain anything.
I just want…I don’t know what I want.
I just want to sleep…go to sleep.
And dream a nice dream, a dream about N where he is happy.
I can’t take it anymore.
It’s all too much.
last - next
1 comments so far