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2009-05-08, 9:01 p.m.
‘The summer sun, it blows my mind
Is falling down on all that I've ever known
Time will kiss the world goodbye
Falling down on all that I've ever known
Is all that I've ever known
A dying scream makes no sound
Calling out to all that I've ever known
Here am I, lost and found
Calling out to all
We live a dying dream
If you know what I mean
All that I've ever known
It's all that I've ever known
Catch the wheel that breaks the butterfly
I cried the rain that fills the ocean wide
I tried to talk with God to no avail
Calling Him in and out of nowhere
Said if You won't save me, please don't waste my time’
-Oasis, ’falling down’.
That pretty much sums it up.
N is sick, we still haven’t received any money from the insurance company and the bills are piling up.
We have asked the social services for help but they haven’t called us yet…it didn’t used to be this difficult to get help.
The times have changed.
N is so fucking miserable. All he talks about is how depressed he is and how he wants me to get better, that he is afraid I will be sick forever.
He should know by now that my illness is out of my control, out of my reach actually.
I can’t do anything about it except take my meds, see my psychiatrist once a week and call my doctor from time to time.
I have been sick my entire life.
And I accept that, I have.
I used to ponder and think about my illness as some sort of curse but it’s not.
I don’t want to start obsessing about it.
But N…he doesn’t let it go.
I know it’s because he is depressed, he can’t help it he is clearly not himself right now.
I need to be strong.
After all, N took care of me for many years, maybe it’s my turn to take care of him?
I won’t let him down, I am doing my best.
He is sleeping right now, I gave him rohypnol and 2 sleeping pills.
He needs to rest.
I just feel so helpless, when I am alone, I panic and I don’t know what to do.
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.
I am making sure that he is taking his antidepressants, I tell him I love him and I hold his hand when he starts talking about killing himself.
A part of me thinks that he should be hospitalized.
Because sometimes, I am afraid that he is going to kill himself.
This whole ordeal seems so surreal.
I have always been the sick one, and now…HE is sick.
My best friend, my soul mate, the one that has been taking care of me for almost 10 years.
How could this happen?
Why did this happen?
Is it because of me?
Is it because I didn’t get better?
I don’t understand.
The voices are yelling at me all the time, telling me that this is my fault…but I ignore them all day until it becomes dark and then I…I lose it.
I take as many pills as possible every night.
12 pills every fucking night.
That’s a lot of pills.
Unfortunately, those pills are necessary and no, I am not abusing my pills.
My doctor knows exactly how many pills I take every day and he even wants me to take more pills, so…
Anyway, I lose it at night.
Why am I weaker when it gets dark?
Is it because I can see them? It’s like I can’t hide when it gets dark.
I panic, my instinct is to binge and purge but I can’t do that so I smoke instead.
That is no solution but what else am I supposed to do?
Everything feels unbearable at the moment.
I can’t…I can’t…I can’t…be calm when N is like this.
I just can’t.
And if I can’t stay calm, I start to see demons, crawling on the floor, on the walls, outside the windows.
They keep yelling louder and louder.
There is no where I can hide.
I can’t cry and hide under the covers, cry and call out N’s name so he will come and comfort me…tell me the demons aren’t real.
I can’t do that because he is sick.
The last thing he wants to talk about is demons or voices.
Maybe he is sick of me?
Maybe this is his body’s way of telling us that he shouldn’t be with me?
I mean, it’s kind of obvious, he keeps talking on and on about how miserable he is because I am sick, because I hear voices and what hurts the most is when he says ‘are you ever going to get better?’.
I hate when he utters those words.
I can’t even describe how it feels.
I am a prisoner in this sick body & mind.
A prisoner.
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