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2009-05-12, 8:07 p.m.
I’ve had a wonderful day.
The demons are still lurking around behind me, trying to make me feel anxious but I don’t care about them right now because I am happy.
I’ve had a great day.
I woke up really early, I usually don’t do that, I woke up at 7 am, I usually wake up after noon.
It felt strange to wake up before N.
But I thought ‘since I’m awake…I can go with N to see his doctor’.
I asked him if I could tag along and he said yes.
It turned out…how can I explain it? It was fascinating.
It felt weird to be the one of the other side.
He talked to his doctor for about an hour and I listened, she even asked me questions and I told her about how N felt a couple of days ago, when he was suicidal…
It felt good to let a professional know.
It’s important that N gets the help he needs.
He felt really relieved after the meeting, he seemed, relaxed.
Now I know how he feels about me.
Now I know how he sees me, and that makes me understand his actions and frustration.
I understand.
And it feels so strange.
All this time, all these years, in my eyes, he has been superman.
But he’s not.
He is fragile, he’s broken, he just wants me to love him, he just wants to be loved.
And I haven’t really showed him that I love him.
Starting today, I am going to try harder.
I need to control how the voices, the demons and V affect me.
I can’t let them ruin this, because that is exactly what they want.
N needs me, more than I need him right now.
I have to put him first.
Today, after the meeting, I told him I loved him and I held his hand and said ‘sorry about everything’.
I promised myself that I was going to become a better person.
I can’t let my illness take control, I don’t want to end up in the looney bin.
More importantly, I can’t end up there again!
I never want to go back there.
So I need to behave.
Because N needs me.
He fucking needs me and I’m going to be there for him.
We took the train to the city and I bought him some manga and a t-shirt.
He bought me a hello kitty t-shirt in return.
It looks great!
It’s like a badass hello kitty, it looks so cool.
He knows what I like.
I love you N.
I hope I’ll be able to spend the rest of my life with you, and also…the after-life with you.
I hope we never have to be apart.
I love you and I’m never going to leave you ever again.
I’m here, thanks to you.
You are an angel.
Don’t underestimate yourself.
You matter.
To me, to your brothers, to your mother and to your father.
Even Tom loves you to death.
We would be devastated if something happened to you.
So please, think about that, every time you close your eyes.
We love you.
Have faith.
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