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2009-05-14, 8:33 p.m.

I was psychotic last night.
I have no idea why it happened, it was like sudden lightning on a clear day.
I panicked, I saw demons everywhere and the floor was covered with insects.
N tried to calm me down but I kept hyperventilating and crying.
He convinced me to take my ‘emergency’ antipsychotic medication called Zyprexa.
I am supposed to take 2 pills/30mg whenever I get extremely psychotic.
I took them, and after an hour or so I calmed down.
I hate to take zyprexa because it makes me feel like shit the next day.
I woke up, looking like a zombie this morning, I could barely move.
I slept most of the day away.
I woke up about two hours ago feeling really anxious, I always feel that way the day after I’ve taken those pills.
I have nothing against antipsychotics because I take ziprasidone every day.
Unfortunately, that is not enough.
That’s why I take 2 Zydis (a type of zyprexa that melts in your mouth) whenever I get very psychotic.
I hate how that medication affects me but I can’t do anything about it because I need it sometimes.
It’s hard for me to explain to N how I’m feeling the next day so I just stay away so I won’t snap at him.
I get angry, frustrated, I get a headache and I can’t sit still.
As a result, he thinks I’m angry at him when I’m not.
I’m just not good at expressing myself today because of the pills.
When I’m supposed to talk, I forget words and that makes me angry so I yell something at him.
I can’t even remember what I said to him but it must have been something awful because he looks sad.
I hate myself.

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