Nothing I do is good enough for you
2009-05-15, 11:51 p.m.
N isn’t home.
He is at a party somewhere far away…
I just purged for the third time today.
I’m exhausted.
It feels good.
I love to eat.
I love to purge.
It feels so good to know that you’re completely empty, cleansed.
I’m repenting for my sins, making the filth disappear.
When will it be enough?
I don’t deserve to keep food down because I’m disgusting.
I need to get thinner.
I need to be thin.
It will take a while to accomplish, but I will look like my old self again.
It’s just a matter of time
Patience is a virtue, I need to wait.
Hi V.
I’m sick of letting you ruin my life and hurt N so I’m going to keep doing what you tell me to do.
As long as I’m starving myself, you won’t bother me, right?
You often repeat what my father said when I was growing up ‘enurta, you look like a woman, women are disgusting. Don’t you want to be daddy’s little girl forever? Nobody’s ever going to love you like daddy does. Let daddy take care of you. You’ll be my little girl forever if you don’t eat. Think about it, your mother is a woman, aren’t women disgusting? However, little girls are beautiful.
Don’t you want to be a little girl? I won’t love you if you grow up to become a woman’.
V, you told me what I had to do when daddy said that to me.
I had to shove my fingers down my throat after every meal.
I was only seven years old at the time but you and my dad just kept saying those things to me over and over again.
‘Women are ugly, don‘t you want to be daddy‘s little girl?’
You remind me of my dad.
You love him.
Why? He doesn’t even know you exist.
But you don’t care about that do you?
What do you care about?
What do *I* care about?
I care about N, and N thinks I’m beautiful so why I am still purging?
Why can’t I stop?
I tried so hard for a whole year but I just kept gaining.
Now I have to face the music.
Dammit, V, you could have said something earlier?
Daddy will be here soon.
He’s coming home and he will see how fat I’ve gotten.
The little enurta is crying now because of you because YOU did this to me.
You didn’t force me to purge when you should have.
Now I have to listen to her whine and cry.
It’s not like you’re going to comfort her, and N isn’t here..
I’ll deal with her later.
Daddy will be here soon.
Enurta,
Daddy isn’t coming home you make no fucking sense.
Stupid bitch, stop whining & do the dishes.
You can smell that the pig has been eating a mile away.
What if N comes home and sees this mess?
You’re so stupid.
He’s probably going to leave you.
You know what he thinks of binging and purging, it makes him sick.
Pull yourself together and take care of the mess.
Make the little kid shut up too.
Do you want me to make the demons come out?
You called me so I’m here.
You did good today but I’m not done with you yet.
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