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2009-06-18, 7:51 p.m.

I’m suffocating.
I can’t breathe, I can’t think, I can’t keep any food down…
It’s been like this for a couple of days.
And I can’t stop eating.
I’m so tired.
I hate myself, I hate what I am doing, but secretly, I kind of like it.
I think I deserve it.
It echoes in my head when it’s quiet, ‘you deserve it‘.
I don’t know how much more I can take.
I weigh myself more than 7 times a day.
A pound down, a pound up, it’s driving me insane.
All I want to do is cry but I can’t, even if I try…I can’t.
I feel nothing.
I am empty.
Thinking a lot about killing myself these days, that’s why I’ve started smoking again.
I have been afraid of myself and I’ve been too scared to tell my doctor because I don’t want to get locked up.
And I haven’t told N because I didn’t want him to feel guilty.
He is so perfect.
I’m so…I can’t even describe what I am.
I am not worthy of his love, he doesn’t know how ugly I am.
I will fuck up his life.
I know I will.
Because I’m a bad person.

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