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2009-06-23, 9:35 p.m.
This is my first binge/purge-free day for weeks, maybe months.
I wonder what I’ll weigh tomorrow?
I’ve had less than a thousand calories.
If I’ll gain…I am going to go crazy.
But no matter what, I have to keep trying to get better.
Like today, me, N and Cyrus took the train to the city.
Cyrus wanted to buy a guitar.
I hadn’t eaten anything all day so I had lunch out.
Right after I was done, I felt disgusting.
It was only falafel in pita bread with a *lot* of veggies.
It was the healthiest thing on the menu, I could’ve ordered pizza but I didn’t…
Anyway, I just ignored the feeling of wanting to purge.
Because N had a ‘talk’ with me about my eating disorder last night and he cried.
He said that I should start to see myself as a person, that deserves things, that I have to take care of myself the same way I take care of him, Tom and everyone I love.
I agreed with him.
Of course that is what I should but…I can’t bring myself to think of enurta, my reflection, as a person who needs to be taken care of.
I hate myself.
I don’t like who I am, guess all of you know that by now I just wanted to write about it again…
It’s fucked up.
Why can’t I take care of myself?
I like it when N takes care of me, so why can’t I do it myself?
Any how, I was a good girl today.
I had an opportunity to b/p when N wanted to visit his father after we got home.
He asked me if I wanted to tag along, the voices immediately ordered me to tell him to go without me so I can buy food secretly, binge and then purge.
But I went against them, and they didn’t fucking like it.
I am proud of myself for defying them but they are giving me a hard time tonight.
Yelling at me, it makes me very hungry every time.
Food makes them quiet.
But only during the process, when I am done, they yell louder than ever and that’s why I purge.
I can’t get help for my eating disorder, nobody can help me because of the fact that I am schizophrenic.
My doctor has tried to get me help, but when they ask about me…he tells them about the obvious fact that I am mentally ill.
And that makes them turn their back on me.
I can understand it to some extent because I don’t care about weight, it’s not about weight with me.
It’s about the voices.
I purge because voices tell me to purge, not because I want to be thin.
So it's very difficult to help me.
I have to do it myself.
Maybe I’ll never be 100% healthy.
But I am going to try to avoid purging every single day.
And be honest with N, tell him when I’ve slipped up, I don‘t have to carry the burden all alone.
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