current # archives # profile
# email # notes # host # image # design

-
2009-07-06, 8:41 p.m.

Monster came home Saturday morning.
He called me and I took the bus to my mom’s place to see him.
First thing he said, was of course ‘damn, you’re so fat’.
I forgot that he has always said that to me, no matter what I weigh, he even said I was fat when I weighed 80 pounds.
So…whatever. It didn’t hurt as much as it would have if I hadn’t been prepared for it.
I have seen him two times so far.
I have binged and purged at my mom’s every time.
I feel anxious and I binge.
I need to stop doing that…
Our money is gone, so I can’t binge and purge at home even if I want to.
I can binge at my mom’s but I’m trying to avoid that.
I’m so paranoid when I purge there, because my mom knows about my ED. And I am so scared that my brother or my dad will hear me purge.
My brother knows.
I told him years ago when I was anorexic that I binge and purge sometimes.
AND…his room is near the bathroom, so every time I purge, I think he hears me.
Because he gives me a ‘look’ when I get out.
I don’t mind that because it’s not like he is going to lecture me but my mom might, in front of my dad…
And I don’t want my dad to know about my ED.
The bulimia, is mine, my fucking secret, my obsession, my medicine.
Does anyone understand what I mean?
I don’t want him to know.
It’s my sanctuary.

last - next