-
2009-07-14, 8:26 p.m.
Everyone says I’m getting better…
I personally feel like I’m getting worse.
The purging has become a compulsive behavior in my case.
If I cannot purge, I automatically want to kill myself.
It happened last night, I had already binged and purged once earlier during the day, but when it became dark outside I panicked.
I totally lost it.
I think it was because I was scared that I might have diabetes, I had a test done the next morning, today that is.
Anyway, I had (a lot) of noodles, because that was the only thing we had at home.
After I was done, I went to the bathroom and tried to purge.
Nothing came up, NOTHING. The voices were yelling and there was insects on the floor, I knew I had to purge, if I wouldn’t, everything would only get worse.
At times I have seen spiders crawling under my skin because I haven’t purged.
I tried to purge for approximately an hour, then I just gave up and started to cry.
I felt that I needed to die.
I was thinking about taking too many pills so a doctor can pump my stomach - that was how desperate I was.
I tried to pull myself together, for N’s sake, I didn’t want to scare him.
I took a bunch of pills, xanax mostly and zyprexa.
I fell asleep within 20 minutes.
Thank God for that.
I’m scaring myself.
But this is my life and I have to live it…
Things will get better.
Things will get better.
Things will get better.
As long as I can purge…
last - next
0 comments so far