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2009-07-20, 10:44 p.m.
I’ve had busy days…
Trying to have fun, but mostly binging and purging.
N isn’t feeling well, maybe it’s because I become psychotic every night.
I have to call my MD tomorrow and talk to him about it.
N gives me a zyprexa every time I become psychotic, I have been taking it days in a row from time to time.
I have to ask my MD if I can take that pill every night even though I take plenty of other medications at the same time…
I’m so tired.
I am trying to please everyone but it’s so damn hard.
N is getting high right now, I guess he needs to escape from reality.
He is really happy when he’s high but that fact me so sad, I think ’is his life that terrible?’.
He is a different person when he’s high. Well, that’s a lie.
He becomes the person he once was.
Carefree, happy, calm…he used to be like that.
He isn’t like that anymore.
At first, I am happy, but after a couple of hours it feels so fake.
It's the drugs, not him.
I don't know, it's a strange feeling.
But what can I say to him? I shouldn’t say anything, I have no right to judge him, I smoke and b/p.
I am a bad person.
At least he’s not hurting himself.
It’s only weed…it’s not heroine or anything, but it still feels wrong, I wish I could talk about it with someone but I can’t.
I am not even sure how he is going to react when he reads this.
I wish I could make him feel all better.
But I can’t.
I’m sick, and I think that makes him sad and scared.
So I think that’s why he smokes pot…
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