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2009-08-01, 3:44 p.m.
I’ve been purging…every day.
Since I wrote the previous entry.
The voices were really mad at me for keeping food down so every night I would get panic-attacks and see things.
I was at my mom’s I think yesterday and I was too afraid to take the bus because I thought bus drivers eat people, and would eat me, if I’d get on the bus…
I got paranoid.
It sounds really stupid but this is what the voices do to me when I disobey them.
I become bonkers, completely crazy.
I am so ashamed for scaring my mom.
And N.
I told him about the bus driver thing after I got home.
I had to purge 2 times at my mom’s to get the strength to get on a bus despite my fears.
Totally embarrassing.
But this is the truth, this is my life, I’m sick.
I shouldn’t be ashamed.
Today I’ve been cleaning the apartment like crazy.
It looked like 2 junkies were living here, so I’ve been cleaning for an hour.
Now it looks great.
My friend May is coming over to eat dinner with me and see a movie.
I’m going to cook.
And I am supposed to eat.
Not too much, so I have to control myself.
God this is going to be difficult.
She knows about my eating disorder too so I can’t purge after dinner.
That would be rude.
But it’s okay. I should be alright if I don’t eat too much.
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