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2009-08-21, 9:06 p.m.

I took a zyprexa last night because I was psychotic and I needed to take something to calm myself down.
Today, as usual, I feel hungover.
It is always like this the day after I take zyprexa.
Plus the shitty mood, I feel like screaming at someone and cutting my arm.
Thank God N isn’t here, he is out with his friends.
I’m glad he hasn’t have to see me like this.
I don’t like to show him this side of myself.
I used to be like this all the time years ago, always so fucking angry, only time I spoke to him is when I wanted to yell at him or tell him how worthless he is.
I don’t think he thinks about those years, me without medication that is.
I can’t seem to forget.
It’s imprinted on the back of my eyelids.
I can see…what I did to him.
And I don’t want to do it again.
I am not like that anymore, it wasn’t my fault to begin with.
I was very sick. I should have been hospitalized.
But everything was a secret. He told no one about how I was doing.
And I saw and spoke to no one.
I was always indoors.
I started screaming uncontrollably and tearing my hair out when he said I had to see a doctor.
Glad he forced me to do it.
It took years and years to get the right kind of help, the right diagnosis and finally he right medication.
Now I’m much better.
But sometimes…I become like this.
Angry, agitated.
And I don’t like to be around anyone especially N when I am like this.
I’m glad he is with his friends instead.
I’m going to go take my medication now and some xanax later on so I can calm down.
I still feel very angry.

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