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2009-08-29, 8:13 p.m.

I haven’t been sleeping well lately.
I get panic attacks at night again and I always end up crying, thank God that I have N.
He comforts me, kisses me, tells me how much he loves me and how strong I am.
I don’t feel strong at all.
And the feeling of panic and despair when he isn’t home consumes me.
I don’t know what to do.
I watch some tv, but then I get sick of it.
The hours go by and I call him.
He is high when he answers.
It makes me sad, because I want him to understand but he is too shitfaced to talk.
Then he gets himself together because I tell him to get serious.
It’s almost like he gets angry…I know he isn’t.
I *know* he isn’t angry. He is just concerned.
I just wish…I don’t know.
I don’t even know what I want.
I want this feeling to go away.
But it doesn’t.
And I feel like this whether he is home or not.
It hurts so bad.
Pills don’t help.
Nothing does.
And I don’t know what to do.
I have go now my sister is coming over with her boyfriend to visit.

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