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2009-08-30, 10:30 p.m.
Maya came over with her boyfriend yesterday.
We had fun.
They stayed over the night and left a couple of hours ago.
I like spending time with her.
I feel like we are a REAL family because me and N accept the fact that she has a boyfriend.
My mom won’t ever accept that she has a Swedish boyfriend.
And monster…he would disown her.
I feel sorry for her because I can see myself in her.
And I want her to turn out okay, I don’t want her to become a fucked up girl like me.
I love her.
And whoever she loves, well, I love that person too!
Because she does.
Had an interesting conversation with my dad today.
I was at my mom’s because she wanted me to dye her hair and she said ‘let’s call your father! He hasn’t heard your voice for a long time’.
I said okay.
But I made a huge mistake.
When he asked me how I was doing, I said I was tired.
His response was (as usual, I should really get used to his bullshit by now) ‘enurta, you have to stop taking those pills! They are making you sick! The pills are making you sick! You have to get better if you love daddy. Because daddy loves you, enurta. Don’t you want to get better for daddy? Oh yeah, it’s Ramadan, you should probably fast, I bet you would get better if you stopped taking your medications and start fasting!’.
I just said okay, whatever.
But in my heart. I was so hurt.
What? Does he think I take pills because it’s fun? Does he think I want to be sick? And I was sick long before I started taking meds, if anything, the meds have made me much better.
And about the Ramadan thing…
I have never fasted on Ramadan and I will never do it.
It goes against my beliefs, I don’t belong to any so called ‘religion’.
I believe in something, but not necessarily the God he believes in.
And he shouldn’t be the one to talk, he doesn’t pray and he gets drunk every fucking night.
So whatever.
He can go fuck himself.
It’s just that…I wish he could support me when I’m having a difficult time instead of saying those stupid things.
Of course the voices agree with my dad, they don’t like that I take medication because when I do, they are not in control.
When I don’t, I become a frantic psychotic fucking monster.
Anything could happen, I could end up dead if I become like I was before I took meds.
God knows how many times I’ve tried to kill myself over the years.
I think N remembers how crazy I actually was.
However, I don’t want to think about that, then why am I writing about it?
Well. I want to convince myself that I should keep taking my meds.
It’s just so hard you know, when someone from the outside agrees with the voices and V.
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