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2009-09-08, 9:02 p.m.

Where should I start?
We left the apartment again and are staying at N's dad's place.
The worms in the kitchen are cutworms, they become moths after a week or so.
It's really creepy.
They are everywhere in the kitchen, we had to leave.
But they are coming from the ceiling.
And I found a lot of worms in the hamster food in the cupboard.
I had to get rid of the hamsters which hurt me a lot.
I really miss them.
I have been crying, and I have been thinking about suicide.
It's tempting.
Even though I would never do it.
It just feels like the situation is hopeless, the exterminators said that even if they spray poison in the kitchen, the cutworms might survive.
What are we going to do if that happens?
I can't stay there.
I just can't, today they were crawling on the dishes, on the oven, I felt like throwing up.
Everytime I blink or close my eyes I see them.
I don't know what to do.
I've taken my meds and I've taken zyprexa.
Maybe I'll take a couple of xanax too.
N's dad isn't too happy about us staying here.
I feel like a burden.
But there is no other place to stay.
N's mom has two cats, and one of the cats is male.
He would fight with Tom if we moved in there.
My mom has a cat too, and it's also a male one.
We had no other option but to stay here with N's father.
I'm so tired, all I want to do is sleep in my own bed.
But I can't.
The exterminator is supposed to come Momday, in about a week. But N will speak to them tomorrow and try to convince them that this matter is urgent and that they have to come this week.
Then we are talking to the landlord, if the worms do not go away, we need another apartment.
We can't stay in the same place.
I can't take it, N can't either.
I am so sad right now.
I just want this to be a nightmare.
I want to wake up.
Please, wake me up. I don't want to be here. I don't want this to be reality.
I want this to be a nightmare.
I will wake up, right?

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