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2009-09-19, 8:58 p.m.

I’ve been trying to quit smoking for a few days…
It hasn’t gone well.
I’ve been binging and purging like crazy.
I mean like spending a whole lot of cash on binge food and binging more than 3 times a day.
I tried to quit smoking to save money, but the way things are going…I’ve been spending all the money I would have spent on cigarettes plus more on food.
I got psychotic quite often too.
Crying hysterically, wanting to hurt myself, because no matter how many times I purge, I never feel satisfied.
So I bought a pack of cigarettes today.
Because I didn’t know what else to do.
I don’t know if I feel better or not, I still feel kind of strange.
I want to purge.
But my stomach is practically empty.
I’m so fucking sick of this.
I have gained 2 pounds too.
It makes me want to eat even more.
I want to cry.
But I know that if I start crying I won’t be able to stop.
And that would scare N.
Last thing he needs is to worry about me.

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