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2009-09-24, 8:30 p.m.
I got really annoyed today when I wanted to pick up my meds.
There was this black woman working at the pharmacy today and she could barely speak Swedish and no English.
It felt so stupid. I got really annoyed.
She needed help from another pharmacist like every ten seconds.
I stood there for a fucking hour trying to get my meds!
It somewhat ruined my day.
I am still very angry.
I don’t know why I even care, but…I think it’s because; why hire someone who can do nothing? And who wastes people time? What’s the fucking point?
I don’t get it.
Stupid fuckers.
Anyway, me, N and Cyrus took the train to the city today (after the pharmacy incident) and went to N’s favorite store and bought a bunch of manga.
Well, I didn’t buy any but N bought I think 3.
We had hamburgers and fries for lunch.
I felt sick to my stomach after we finished eating.
Binged and purged when we got home.
But I still think we had a nice day.
Right now I’m kind of frustrated.
I see demons but I don’t want to take any zyprexa (which is my ‘emergency‘ pill).
I mean, I’ve been taking it almost every day for a month.
How many pills am I going to take every day?
This just adds to the long list of meds I’m currently on.
It seems like I need more pills as the time goes by…and that depresses the hell out of me.
I don’t want to be sick!!! I don’t want to.
It’s really immature to think that way but that is how I feel.
I feel like a little kid.
I want to say ‘no daddy! I don’t want to!’.
But my dad isn’t here. And he doesn’t even want me to take any kind of medication.
N wants me to take my meds.
Sometimes, I feel like our relationship is strange.
People who meet us for the first time often think he is my older brother.
We don’t look like a couple.
We don’t act like a couple.
I act like a kid, and he is the responsible one who takes cares of me.
I like our relationship, I mean, I am myself with him.
But it makes me question who I am.
What, am I going to act like a kid forever?
Why do I do it?
Maybe it was because my father never took care of me.
I often think that N is my father when I am psychotic.
That makes me think…
What if I would suddenly start to act independent?
What would happen to this relationship?
What would change?
I would still love N, but how would N feel?
If I suddenly got better, how would he react?
Would he feel a void?
He has said several times that he likes the fact that he takes care of me and protects me.
I see him as my protector.
But I don’t think our relationship will ever change, because this is who I am.
I don’t want to grow up.
I was never allowed to be a kid, so I am making up for lost time.
And if I had to choose, I’d rather stay this way than change.
I wouldn’t want to hear voices and see demons but I would want to still be me.
The childish me.
The girl who loves her stuffed animals and collects hello kitty stuff.
This is who I am, this is who I want to be.
People may think I am a weirdo but I love my life.
I love N and Tom.
I like the way things are.
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