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2009-09-25, 8:41 p.m.
A Cold and frosty morning there's not a lot to say
About the things caught in my mind
As the day was dawning my plane flew away
With all the things caught in my mind
And I wanna be there when you're...
Coming down
And I wanna be there when you hit the ground
So don't go away say what you say
But say that you'll stay
Forever and a day...in the time of my life
-Oasis, 'don't go away'.
Whenever N leaves, I get confused & I lose myself.
I start remembering things, I get these terrible flashbacks and I forget that I am actually here, in our home, that the year is 2009 and Tom is beside me purring.
The flashbacks are usually about things I’ve done when I’ve been psychotic, I black-out when I am psychotic.
I hate to remember, I don't want to know what I've done. And I really don't want to re-live it.
It’s always different every time.
Tonight it was about when I stood on the bridge and wanted to jump.
And N had to climb after me to prevent me from jumping.
It’s hard to explain but the memory made me start to shake and shiver.
I wanted to cut, because I can’t deal with all the pain I’ve caused my husband.
But I purged instead.
I always think ‘if it doesn’t show on the outside, then it’s okay’.
Only thing that gives me away is my hoarse voice.
My voice always sounds a little weird after I purge.
N can usually tell over the phone that I have purged.
My actions make no sense, I remember hurting N, then I hurt myself again to make myself forget about the pain I caused myself and him months or years ago.
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