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2009-10-02, 6:51 p.m.

I had forgotten how much it hurts to purge.
Total waste of time, money and very draining.
I feel like I never want to do it again.
I’ve smoked a couple of cigarettes today too.
I feel awful.
But I couldn’t have done anything different, otherwise something bad would have happened to me.
V promised me that.
I hate his ‘promises’.
Fuck you.
I’m so fucking sick of you.
I just want you to leave me alone.
But he knows which buttons to push, he’s been saying I’m a copy of my father all day.
That I’m a monster - deep down inside.
That sooner or later, I won’t be able to hide it from N and the people who (his words not mine) ‘supposedly’ love me.
I’m sick of feeling this way.
N is at a friend’s house.
I’m home alone.
Which is okay, my sister asked me is she could come over and I said no.
She makes me feel so tired every time she’s here.
And I’m kind of sick of her boyfriend, I think he’s an asshole but never mind that.
I chose to be alone tonight.
I could have called a friend but I didn’t.
So this isn’t N’s fault, it’s good that he spends time with someone other than me.
Last thing I want to do is to make him feel guilty.
I’d rather die.
I’m serious.
I would rather stab myself in the stomach with the kitchen knife.

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