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2009-10-04, 7:49 p.m.

I’ve had suicidal thoughts for three days.
I’ve been binging and purging very often.
I’m tired.
I cried while purging today.
Because N felt hurt.
I am afraid that he’s going to get sick of me and leave.
It wouldn’t surprise me, I do nothing for him.
I’m a huge fucking failure.
I can’t even quit smoking, it’s pathetic.
I hate myself.
And I want to cut and burn my arm.
It would feel so good.
But I can’t.
Because if I did, he would probably never speak to me again.
And I would never be able to forgive myself.
So I sit here, in this chaos, and tremble with fear.
Fear of what I might do to myself.
The zyprexa isn’t helping at all.
It makes me want to get that injection…I just don’t know what else I can do.

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