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2009-10-05, 7:58 p.m.
I feel a lot better than yesterday.
It’s because of N…he has a different attitude than he did have yesterday.
He looks at me with a smile and he does things with me, we took 2 long walks together today.
I haven’t purged.
So I’m happy about that.
I haven’t talked to Emma, my psychiatrist.
We had an appointment today but she is sick so it got cancelled.
I’ll have to wait until next Monday.
Which is fine by me.
I am reflecting on my actions, the purging has got to stop.
But I can’t.
I just can’t.
And then I cry, because when I am hurting this body, I am hurting the people I care about.
Why can’t I see what’s in front of me?
I have everything, a home, clothes, food, a lovely husband and a cuddly beautiful cat.
But I don’t see that when I am psychotic, everything becomes dark.
Tom and N have no faces.
I feel lonely and scared.
Why can’t I see what’s in front of me?
I am trying to memorize everything as it is, so I can see all this when I am not myself.
I wonder if it will work though.
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