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2009-10-08, 3:25 p.m.

He doesn’t understand.
At all.
When I want to purge he threatens to hurt himself.
He says ‘if you hurt your body, then I might do it as well’.
Does he really think I will feel better after hearing that?
It makes me want to kill myself.
I want him to comfort me.
Say ‘it’s okay, you’ve been so good for a few days, if you slip up, it’s okay. I’m still proud of you’.
But instead he holds me down so I can’t move just to prevent me from binging and purging.
So I have started hiding it from him again, binging and purging when he’s sleeping, when I’m out I purge in a public bathroom.
Blah blah blah.
I’m so upset I want to cry.
He lectures me all the time, and I don’t like it.
He wants me to talk about what’s in my head, what makes me purge, but I don’t want to talk about that.
I’m not allowed to.
I told him so and he flipped out, he said ‘so I’m not your best friend? You don’t want to be with me? You choose imaginary voices over me?’.
It’s not like that at all.
I wish I could explain to him what I’m going through but I don’t even know HOW to express what’s going on.
I can’t find the words, or I forget how to speak completely.
The voices are powerful.
And he doesn’t understand. I don’t think he even wants to understand.
We’ve been arguing since last night.
All I want is for him to support me.
He thinks he is, in his own way.
But it’s not working.

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