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2009-10-09, 8:01 p.m.
It’s Friday.
Every Friday night is the same.
I’m home alone, and I binge.
Tonight I couldn’t purge properly.
I was at it for about half an hour then I gave up.
I think more than half the food I ate is still in my stomach right now.
Making me feel fat, or should I say fatter?
I want to kill myself.
That is the only thought in my head, how to kill myself.
There’s too many options.
I would never do it…but I’m thinking about it because I can’t help it.
The voices say I’m a horrible, ugly and fat person and I agree with them.
When I agree with them, they can manipulate me into doing something stupid really easily.
I know that, still I agree with them.
I think I fucked up when I binged.
I didn’t drink enough while eating.
A mistake I will never make again.
Ever.
Now everything is fucked up.
Just because I did a stupid mistake.
I called N about an hour ago, it didn’t make me feel better.
It felt like I was bothering him.
He is with his friends and I call him like 2 times an hour.
And I say nothing.
I just want to hear his voice.
He panics when I call because he thinks I am about to kill myself but I’m not…
I hate doing that to him.
He is overprotective.
And I don’t mean it in a bad way.
But it’s affecting him, making him tired and maybe possibly sick.
I still think that his depression is my fault.
I don’t know. I should just take some pills and try to sleep this feeling away.
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