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2009-10-14, 8:41 p.m.
I didn’t binge or purge for 4 days.
But then I fucked up.
REALLY fucked up.
Purged two times today without even binging.
I feel terrible about it but tomorrow is a new day and I can start all over again.
Oh, and I almost ended up at the emergency room last night.
I was planning on killing myself.
I took 12 mg xanax.
I was planning on swallowing everything is the bottle but then I heard another voice, not the voices, but someone else.
Maybe it was me.
Who said ‘no, tell N what you are doing, please, don’t take anymore pills’.
So I obeyed her.
I could see the disappointment in N’s eyes.
It hurt like hell.
We called the hospital and asked them if the amount I took could kill me.
They said no.
Thank God.
I don’t want to get my stomach pumped again.
I just want to be happy, that is all I want.
Had a huge fight with N today too.
Because of the purging.
I yelled at him and walked away when we were supposed to do some grocery shopping.
He called me like 10 times but I didn’t answer.
But then I did.
And I went to him.
I’m glad it got resolved.
But N isn’t feeling well, he’s been very depressed lately and he doesn’t want to take his antidepressants for some reason.
It’s making me worry.
I wish he could just take them but he refuses.
They make him better so I don’t understand why he doesn’t take them.
He hasn’t taken them for at least two weeks.
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