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2009-10-18, 6:37 p.m.

I am not ready to quit smoking.
I am not ready to stop purging.
I am not ready for anything that involves changing my behavior.
My life is chaotic, and I’ve been feeling like shit for about three days.
It’s driving me crazy.
Purging helps though, but that’s not something I can do everyday.
Just when N is away.
When he is here I don’t want to purge because I don’t want to hurt his feelings.
Instead I pop xanax like it’s candy.
Which isn’t a solution either.
My mom is mad at me because I smoke and purge.
She’s sick of me, I can see it in her eyes.
Maybe she is sick of everything, she seems to be depressed lately.
But it’s her own fault.
She could have left monster in the past, she still can leave monster but she just want to mope around and feel sorry for herself.
And she expects her children, me, my sister and brother to sit and listen to her rant about my dad and say ‘poor mommy’.
I told her today that it’s her own fault that she is depressed.
She doesn’t want to change, she doesn’t want to leave and she’s upset because my sister is together with a Swedish boy.
I think that’s normal.
We are not in an Arab country so who gives a fucking damn?
She said that if my sister marries a swede she will disown her.
Why?
I don’t get it. My sister has to make her own choices in life, my mother has nothing to do with it.
Anyway, I’m tired, don’t feel like talking about my weird mom anymore.

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