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2009-10-19, 8:21 p.m.

I am suicidal.
I’m afraid of myself.
Afraid that V will take over and kill me in the process.
The voices always want me to kill myself, but right now…*I* want to die.
I don’t know how else to get rid of this feeling of guilt.
A lot of thoughts are going through my mind, that N deserves better, that everyone would be better off without me.
I keep thinking about ways to kill myself.
It’s so damn easy.
But I don’t want to. I want to live.
I just want to go away…from this hell I’m living in.
I see demons everywhere, it’s scary.
N’s face gets distorted when I look at him.
Everything is fucked up.
I called the hospital and they want to admit me, but I don’t want to.
The suicidal thoughts will only get worse if I’m in a psychiatric ward.
All I want is to get away.
That is what I’ve been doing all day, I’ve taken xanax almost every hour.
Just to feel better, I feel guilty because I should be happy.
But it’s doesn’t matter how happy and blessed I am, I can’t rid of this illness that controllers me.
All I want to do is sleep but I’m not sleepy.
I’m thinking about taking some more pills.
But I’ve taken enough today.
I just want to be free.
Feel true, genuine happiness.
I can feel it when N eat at my favorite restaurant.
But that only lasts for an hour.
The rest of the time, I see myself dead.
The voices show me visions of that.
And it scares me, what if I get so psychotic that I actually kill myself?
I have to live with that risk.
But at the same time, I think I would never do it, because it would destroy N’s life.
I’m out of options here.
I’ve taken every pill I’m supposed to take but nothing works.
I want to cry.
Maybe crying would be good for me.
I feel guilty putting N though this, he always thinks that it’s his fault.
But it’s not, N.
It’s my illness, it has nothing to do with you.
Please, always remember that.
You can’t make me better, but you help me to stay alive.
Without you I would have been dead a long time ago.
I feel like I want to vanish.
And make everyone forget that I ever existed.
But that is impossible.
Killing yourself is selfish, but I can’t help but think…what if?
What if I died?
I would probably rot in hell anyway.
I’ve done so many horrible things in my life.

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