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2009-10-25, 5:42 p.m.

I’m totally out of it today.
Took to many pills last night.
What happened was, N read my diary, and he felt hurt because I hadn’t told him earlier about what my mom said to me.
He was right, we promised each other no more secrets.
But…I have a hard time talking about certain things.
Mostly because I am ashamed.
And I don’t want N to get angry at my mother.
And, V threatened me and said that I shouldn’t tell N.
Just purge the anger and frustration out.
So I did. For three days.
Then I wrote that entry last night.
And he read it.
And…I thought he was angry at me…I was so scared.
Scared that he was going to hit me.
He has never laid a hand on me, but whenever I make someone upset especially if it’s a man, I think that person is going to hurt me.
I don’t know when I am going to get used to the idea of not getting beaten.
Maybe tomorrow, maybe never.
I felt suicidal after the conversation with N because he said that it’s his fault that I am sick, that he is a failure as a husband and what he said just made me snap.
So I took a bunch of pills and then I fell asleep.
Only problem is; I’m still very tired even though I’ve slept for more than 14 hours straight.

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