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2009-11-01, 6:30 p.m.

I’ve been anxious since I went to visit May’s mothers grave.
I wasn’t there for May when her mother was dying, even though she was and still is my best friend.
I was psychotic and I said horrible things to her before we parted.
It was 7 years ago, I should be able to forgive myself since she apparently has forgiven me.
But I can’t.
And I am beating myself up about it.
Seeing myself, hearing the words I said to her all those years ago.
The voices are doing this to me.
I shouldn’t care…but I do.
And because of that, I’ve been binging and purging for two days straight.
I don’t know about tomorrow but I hope I will be able to keep at least something down.
I just wish things were different.
I wish I wasn’t as sick as I was…

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