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2009-11-06, 4:11 p.m.

My friend Annah came over yesterday with her younger sister, Rebecca.
Annah has had problems with her boyfriend since they got together.
I don’t understand why she doesn’t leave his sorry ass.
He treats her like utter shit.
He’s mean and cunning.
She cried when she talked about what he does to her.
It hurt like hell to see her like that.
Then she started talking about me, ‘enurta knows me like no one else. Even my closest friends do not care about me the way enurta does’.
She said it to N while I was in the kitchen.
I could hear the words she said.
The voices went crazy after that, started shouting at me telling me that I’ve deceived Annah and that I am rotten to the core.
I agreed with the voices and started to binge eat in the kitchen.
N noticed that I was gone too long so he went to kitchen to check on me.
He looked really sad, and asked ‘why are you doing this? When you’re friends are here…it’s your birthday in a couple of days. Why are you doing this to yourself? At least purge after they leave, not now’.
I ignored him, I was robot-enurta, I wasn’t present, V was controlling me.
I immediately went to the bathroom after the conversation with N and purged.
I didn’t feel like I deserve Annah’s trust.
I am not a good person.
I don’t feel like a good person…but I guess I am.
Because so many people love and care about me.
Danielle sent me a video-message, she said such nice things about me.
I remember her saying ‘you’re my hero’.
When I heard that, I felt like crying.
She is such a good person.
Beautiful, marvelous.
So maybe I’m not that bad.
If she cares about me that much, without even meeting me IRL, I must be a good person.
I should be happy that Annah feels that way about me and stop hating myself over nothing.
I feel like binging and purging right now but I won’t.
I don’t want to hurt myself, not today.
Yesterday was enough.

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